pinay_purpish

okay. it wasn't suppose to sound perky. more like those taglines u hear from cartoons. u know when the superhero thinks of something and he says: "to the Lair of... whatever!"

but anyway thats what i mean though. to the beach! haha! okay why is this such a big deal. it isn't actually. ever since i was a kid i was a beach person. my family loves swimming. every weekend we go to the beach. my dad goes scuba diving during sundays and we join him. if he's too lazy to we just go to some resort and have a day at the beach.

but since i turned 17 my family sort of stopped going to the beach. not totally stop but more of a rest from it. like twice a month than the usual every weekend. so here's the deal, seventeen. so you can pretty much imagine the puberty, self-indulgent, insecurities, peer pressure going through my mind at that time. yes! inspite of my family's history with the beach (can i use that? history?) but anyway, inspite of my family's beach-loving, sun tanning whatever! i have become one of those beach haters. why you ask? simple i was a fatty. still am actually. its quite simple to do the math from there. hate the beach, bathing suit, insecurities, skinny bitches. yeah.

i've been avoiding going to the beach the past three years. my family's been going back and forth, my cousins keep inviting me, cousins from out of town, family affairs. and i just make up some lame excuse like homework or sleeping. (the sleeping is actually quite true) but i could get up if i wanted to. so anyway, last night i decided to face my fears. i'm still actually a sand loving, ocean swimming, sun-tanning sap! inspite of the many 'emo' posts and 'emo' music i am actually very fond of the beach. and so i finally decided to join my mom tomorrow. huh?!

i thought this wouldn't be a big deal, but as it turns out it is, since i have already written at least four paragraphs about this crap. wish me lucK! i hope it goes well. and by that i mean, no stares, no whisperings, or awful glances from judgemental strangers. i just hope i have a good time so at least i don't lose hope in my hobbies. (or at least humanity) haha!

ciao for now! hoping to find some fun-loving sand extravaganza! haha!

pinay_purpish

so this is what it feels like to be out of college, no job prospects, no love life and nothing to do. i have spent the last four days sleeping until 5pm but thats only because i spend the whole night watching TV or reading or waiting for sleep to come (with the chant *sleep come to me...come to me sleep) my whole body clock is screwed up. not only that, i think the sleeping is making me gain some unwanted fat. (like i dont have enough fat to worry as it is) its bad enough as it is now i have to worry about some extra 'lazy fat.' give me a break! i complain when i'm overworked and i complain when i'm not doing anything. huh?! i guess life is ironic or as my 'philosophical' friends would say 'absurd.' well i don't know if its absurd or what. i'm just to fucked up to really give a shit about life right now. i'm so self-absorbed the only thing i can really think about is myself. bingo! (sarcastic mode) *well that's new!

its just that i really dont know what to do next. the thing of it is, i dont know what direction i should go. what work or what the hell am suppose to do in this world! sometimes i envy those who die young because they won't have to worry about stuff like this. its all very cliche. but am so *effing tired of having to think. i mean can somebody just tell me what i should do with my life so i can move on. or at least point a gun in my head so i can get this misery over with!

but hey! what the helL! life could be worse they say. (it usually is)

pinay_purpish

when we start to think about the person we feel we are beginning to develop feelings for, that's basically just about it. but how do we know if this is for real or not? how do wwe distinguish, love from infatuation? do we ever really get to distinguish this two? or do we really make a choice. does smiling when receiving a text from this person mean we are in love with them? or maybe we just miss this person? or maybe its just the excitement. how do we really know? i just spent the last hour trying to define love, what were the signs to know that we were in love, and how to fall out of love with someone. maybe its different for everyone. for the optimist, it is when they feel butterflies in their stomach, or this craziness they feel inside their head. for the cynics, perhaps it is when they try to fall out of love with someone or trying to prove that they aren't inlove. for the religious it is perhaps when they bring that special someone to their church, for the masochist it is perhaps trying to find some pain from their love. but what about those who do not know? what about those who feel that they have all of the above? or what about those who do not love at all? can we really accidentally fall in love? and if so how does this happen? can we prevent this? is there a firewall against love?

pinay_purpish

i was reading one of my classmates blogs. i love reading her blogs its one of the most deep if not funniest blogs i have ever come across. well, my standard's really a lot different from most people. so anyway, this classmate of mine has basically the same ideas. well not exactly the same but we do share one same feeling about writing and feeling alone. yeah, am still into that whole lonely thing. i guess i've come back to that again after all this time. people think i am perky. yes i am perky on the outside i guess but i guess i want to fall into the old cliche where the perky ones are those that hide deep secrets and pain. i just dont wanna be like those people who sulk around all the time. i mean my life is shitty but i dont want to wear it on my face all the time. i hate that when people say i'm perky. okay scratch that last one up there where i said i'm perky. i really really hate it when people say i am or even whimsical for that matter. because of all the descriptions in the world, those are the last things i am. am straying off here now, guess i have a lot to say than i thought.

she wrote something about feeling numb and not understanding what the sobbing thing was for. i do feel that way sometimes, i dont understand what all the drama is about, what the crying is for. then she wrote this one thing about life being never easy for her. am i the only one feeling that? i asked myself once. now it is safe to say that the universe doesn't hate me at all. or perhaps everyone does feel that way, as if the universe is against them. no, i don't hate God. in fact i'm a firm beliver in spite all this shit in my life. guess i'm not as cynnical as i thought i was. but going back to what this classmate of mine wrote, she wrote that life will always be a challenge. perfect! there was nothing i wanted to change about this line. life is a challenge, but why does it have to be extra challenging for people like me. why are things so easy for other people? its like they were trained when they were younger how to go through life. where was i when my kindergarten teacher discussed this? i sound as though like this bitch bitchin about how life is unfair to me. i know life is unfair for most people, but sometimes it just feels as though life is unfair most of the time. i feel this unbearable insecurity rising in me. which is stupid since i'm practically an adult now. its embarrassing to have to undergo these kinds of feelings. insecurity and self-doubt. am not blaming anyone, but i guess i kinda am by saying that these are all caused by the people around me. i mean i just can't help it! sometimes what they say and say about others or don't say about you just makes you feel as though you're worth nothing. geez! i hope my friends don't get to read this. then again, like i said, they don't care enough to actually to read a lengthy blog like this. my friends are great! don't get me wrong. from my previous blog i mentioned just how nice and comfortable i have become. but i guess there are still a few things lacking. i know for a fact that they don't know me well enough and that i am totally different from them. yes we do get along but sometimes i find myself talking and no one understands what the hell i am saying or rather they just dont agree to it, so instead they talk about something else. sometimes they give me this look, as if i was a parasite that would infect them would my weirdness or an alien that just beamed in with shiny lights at the back. i dont want to that cliche of being different and not being understood. but sometimes i just feel that no one understands me, or if they do they just find me odd and would rather stay away than accept it. but i won't go into that now. woah! i guess i was more frustrated than i thought. haha!

must write remainding papers...ciao for now!

pinay_purpish

it is events like this in life that make you wonder and appreciate the little joys of life. like those poems that says that the small events in life, the little talks and long conversations at a twenty-four hour fastfood place that make life worth living for. it is in these times that you understand the meaning of poems when they encourage you to live life and appreciate the small things, family, friendship and relationships. it is one of those profound moments yet in a universal look so small and insignificant but because of its smallness makes it so beautiful.

was it true? have i found a group of friends that made life worth living or was it because we were older that made it worthy to be called deep and profound friendship? or that we were capable of telling stories that were not juvenile, and that our experiences made us mature and wiser that just made it profound?

nevertheless, that will not stop me from saying that i had one of the most unforgettable day of my life. today began odd. yesterday, began odd. things unravlled unexpectedly. it began irritatedly enough. like any saturday that was ruined by having a make-up class. and so five friends decided to make the best out of it. and it did. it brought out the best in each of us. but especially one friend in particular who had a breakthrough. Timberland will kill me if he ever reads this but i found it appropriate to write it down. hehe! sorry. his experiences tells of love hoarded for years. and of course it triggered something in my mind like most things do. did everyone really have a story? in my case, i belived people had their own stories in life but were they as deep and sad as most people do? i must admit that i pride myself in having one of the most saddest stories in life. in fact believe that i have the saddest story in life. of course not in the world but one of those people who had someting to say. eyes that have tales themselves. the sadness that can be seen with just one glimpse of their face. secrets that lie only in their hearts. but today was different. was it that EVERYONE, and EVERYONE had a secret? a deep, deep secret? as Timberland told us his tale, i couldnt help but take a look at each of my friends. what was Mary hiding? that beneath her rational blabs she once loved as well? down her intelligence and beauty lay sadness. sadness that only her heart could understand? what was under Chrysenthea? under her mask of confidence and posture, was there loneliness? did she once loved as well? did she suffer nights and cried as she tried to heal her heart? Timberland continued to talk and it changed my view on him 180 degrees different. and a 180 degrees different on the world. was it that the people who we assume shallow and no depth had in fact experienced love and that is why they have become so? was it that we were all just slaves of love? was it that love strikes us in our juvenile state to make us who we are? was it that our past determines our emotional walls, hangups, insecurities and views on life? did we all fall for the wrong person? were we all inlove in our juvenile past? did we, give our heart to that one person? did we take it back? was it that we only ever 'truly loved' once?

reason tells us that we only truly love once. that there is but one great love in every person's life, and that is what we should wait for. so how can we say that we truly love someone in our reasonable state of mind? wasn't it that true love was unreasonable and without thought? if so, was it that true love passes us by and we move on to settle with the second great love? that is, with reason, compatibility and deep contemplation where true love does not exist. were we all settling? was it that only children fall in love? with pretenses, notions, walls, standards, and expectations aside? was it that we loved as children simply because we truly loved? did we epitomize our great love? do we base our 'settling' to that person? do we compromise and hope that we who we choose can fill the void? do we hope that in the midst of partnership love will arise? and do we settle in the hopes that they become our great love as the center of our being? perhaps, it is this great love that allows us to settle for the small loves. perhaps we truly only love as children, as juveniles, as naives, and if so could we ever truly fall in love again?

pinay_purpish

Elsewhere

I love the time and in between
the calm inside me
in the space where I can breathe
I believe there is a
distance I have wandered
to touch upon the years of
reaching out and reaching in
holding out holding in
I believe
this is heaven to no one else but me
and I'll defend it as long as I can be
left here to linger in silence
if I choose to
would you try to understand
I know this love is passing time
passing through like liquid
I am drunk in my desire...
but I love the way you smile at me
I love the way your hands reach out and hold me near...
I believe...
I believe
Oh the quiet child awaits the day when she can break free
the mold that clings like desperation
can't you see I've got
to live my life the way I feel is right for me
might not be right for you but it's right for me...
I believe...
I believe
this is heaven to no one else but me
and I'll defend it as long as
I can be left here to linger in silence
if I choose to
would you try to understand it
I would like to linger here in silence
if I choose to
would you understand it
would you try to understand...

Elsewhere ~Sarah McLachlan

pinay_purpish

i'm just going to hop on to it right away, it's a playwright scene (under construction):

sarah: "why do you falter now?"
edward: "because i must."
s: "and if i say i wont let you?"
e: "there is nothing that can be done."
s: "edward, i still believe--"
e: "but i don't. not anymore."
s: "do not walk away from this edward! do you not see it--"
e: "i see it! and this is what i fit!"
s: "why do you say such things?"
(silence)
e: "this cannot be sarah. we must end it."
s: "you choose defeat and life over love?"
e: "i choose my duty."

s: "then you choose death."

e: "then perhaps i do. but i choose a life of honor and duty."

s: "duty? you choose duty? are you such a coward?"

edward opens his mouth but decides otherwise.
(silence)
s: "i will defend this as long as i can."
e: "then you waste your time for noone."

sarah is enraged.
s: "do you not love me anymore? is that why you wish to leave? do you not want to see me anymore? do you despise me?"
(silence once again. edward does not answer. he stares down.)
s: "tell me you no longer love me and i will walk away from this."

pinay_purpish

i feel empty. thinking of someone again. thinking of waiting. thinking of what it is to be here. thinking of why we are here. thinking of why we have to feel. thinking of why emotions are hard to understand. thinking of how ironic it is when it should be easy, because its our emotion. thinking of why we have to be capable of these feelings. thinking...just thinking...